Happy Birthday Kayla!

So tomorrow my beautiful baby girl will be 12. Where has the time gone. She's going to have lots of celebrating. Last Thursday night we celebrated with my boyfriend at his house. We went out to dinner and had birthday cake. Today my parents came up and gave Kayla her presents and my Dad suprised her with a cake. Tomorrow we will go out to dinner with Robbie's parents. Gotta love it. She's am amazing young woman. Robbie would be proud of her.

Change

Wow so it's been a while since I've posted anything & a lot has changed. First off I can't believe that it's been 7 months since Robbie died. So much has changed since then & life is moving at light speed it seems. One big change is that I have a boyfriend. I've known him for 20 years and it's so nice to know that I can love after having my heart ripped out 7 months ago.

My birthday is on Tuesday so Grant, Cameron & I went to the coast for a few days. Kayla just wasn't able to do it as it would remind her too much of Robbie. We had a couple of beautiful days and a whole lot of fun. Cameron got to fly a kite, we went to the aquarium & got to see the sharks being fed and on our way home stopped at the outlet and picked up a few things. It was a blast. It was so nice to see a smile on Cameron's face.

I don't know what the future is going to bring but I know it's going to be interesting.

Acceptance?

So for the past 5 months I've been sitting around my house waiting for someone to come through the door that wasn't going to come through the door anymore. I was waiting for someone to show up & do all of those things around my house that he always did. The other day my friend came over & helped me paint my room. I woke up the next morning in my freshly painted room with new bedding & had this overwhelming feeling that things were going to be okay & that I could do it. Since then I've been doing all sorts of things that Robbie used to do & have been decluttering the house. It's been so empowering. I've come to a point where I guess I've accepted that this is my life & I have to do these things now. Is it tiring? Yes but I'm proud of myself & am looking forward to finding out who I am.

Becoming Independent

So for so many years now I have had Robbie around to do all of those things that we wife's deem "man's work". I've sat around this house for the past 5 months waiting for someone to come along and do these things for me & for awhile after he died I did have wonderful people that helped me & I appreciate it so much. On Wednesday a friend came & helped me paint my bedroom. The next morning I woke up feeling a whole lot better & I've done several things since that Robbie would have normally done for me. Are they easy for me to do. Not necessarily because I've got to figure stuff out but I have and I feel so proud of myself for it.

Beautiful Day on the Oregon Coast

So I spent the weekend with a special friend this past weekend to help them celebrate their birthday. We've been having a heatwave here in Oregon the past few days. We went to the Astoria & Seaside on Friday. There was a beach volleyball tournament in Seaside. It was pretty cool. There were at least 90+ courts. It was also over 86 degrees on the coast. That never happens. It was such a beautiful day.

Garlic Festival

So I didn't take any pictures yesterday but we had an amazing day. We went to the garlic festival in North Plains, Oregon. It was a lot of fun. We ate some yummy food, the kids got to play & we just relaxed and enjoyed some of the music. It is so nice to see my kids with "true" smiles on their faces again. While they aren't there all of the time it's certainly nice to see them when they are there. We are enjoying the next few weeks of summer before school starts. This year is going to be different, difficult & full of adventure. We are so thankful to everyone who has prayed for us & continues to do so & who has stood by us. We are blessed to have you in our lives.

Oregon Jamboree 2010

Well, last weekend was the Oregon Jamboree here in Sweet Home. Kayla & I had a lot of fun. Thanks to cousin Shari we got to meet Keith Urban. That was awesome. Kayla was so happy. We got to listen to some great music & the weekend ended with one of our favorites Miranda Lambert. She's absolutely beautiful & amazingly talented. It was great to see some smiles on Kayla's face

Picking Blueberries

On Friday July 23 we went up to Portland for the day. We went & picked blueberries & just had a great day. When all was done later that afternoon they got to have blueberry milkshakes. A great day was had by all.

Sometimes You Look Through The Lens & Capture Something Amazing.

I love to take pictures. It's a passion I've always had & I had an amazing teacher, my late husband Robbie. Every now & then u look through the lens, take a picture & when you upload them you realize you caught something amazing. That was how I felt when I saw this picture that I'd taken of my daughter while we were in Vermont. It's just one of those pictures that captures a moment/feeling in time. We were relaxed, having a good time together, walking on the water front when I stopped to take some photos. I didn't even know she was looking towards me until I uploaded the picture. It's one of my favorites now.

1/3 of a year already

So yesterday was a bad day around here. We are all tired which leads to all of the emotions being right at the surface. I realized yesterday morning that it was exactly 4 months since Robbie passed away, that means 1/3 of the first year has gone by already. There are days where it seems ages ago & then days like yesterday where it seems like it was yesterday. We are moving on & making steps to move forward with our lives but we also realize that there is a & always will be a hole forever in our lives no matter where we go or who we are with. Life has been forever changed.

Vermont 2010

So we are now in Vermont for the America Tree Farmer convention. This is a trip that Robbie was really looking forward to if Fun Forest had won the reginoal (sp) part of the tree farmer stuff which they did. Right now it's just Kayla & I as the rest of the family went to Maine for a few days. We are looking forward to them coming back. The picture is of the sunset we got to see last night. We are relaxing & enjoying ourselves.

One Lane Roads & One Lane Bridges - Adventure

So it was my bright idea one day that we should drive around the island of Maui while we were there. We didn't make it. We did have an adventure though. We drove the one lane road that on parts we didn't know if the Jeep was going to fit. The picture was taken while on that one lane road. Then when we got done with the one lane road we thought we should drive to Hana. The road to Hana is very curvy and has several one lane bridges. Another adventure. We got to Hana to find out it was a waste of time. We got lots of good laughs out of the trip, lots of memories & one great big adventure.

Maui 2010

So since our life has been crazy, hectic & stressful these past few months I decided it would be a good idea to take us all on our first family vacation as a family of 3. I took both kids & one of my good friends with me to Maui. We had a blast. We shopped, we drove the one lane road & the road to Hana, we ate great food, we walked on the beach but most of all we laughed. It was great.

Father's Day

So Kayla & I have decided that Father's Day should be banned. Sorry to all of you father's out there but seeings as how this is my children's first Father's Day without their father it just flat out sucks. We hate the commercials on TV that constantly remind us that Father's Day is coming, we hate the ads, we hate the cards & we hate all of the crap in the stores that reminds us constantly that my kids don't have a father anymore. I know that people who have lost their mother's must feel the same way. It just flat out sucks.

Outdoor School 2010

So this week was outdoor school for the 5th & 6th graders at Foster Elementary School. After a huge drama on the Saturday night before my friend & I were finally able to convince Kayla to go. She had so much fun & I am so proud of her for going & doing something that she was scared of to some extent. With the loss of her Dad she's had a hard time leaving me so I am so proud of her. She's looking forward to next year

Jump-A-Thon

Well last week was jump-a-thon at Foster Elementary School. You know school is coming to a close when jump-a-thon rolls around. Looking forward to the summer if we ever get some summer weather. Here's a picture of Cameron & I at the jump-a-thon. One of the great things about having the kids at the same school I work at. I get to be there for all the cool stuff they do.

Memorial Day 2010

Memorial Day 2005, Flags In Ceremony, Arlington National Cemetary, Arlington, VA
Originally uploaded by USA

While we get to enjoy a 3 day weekend take a moment to remember all of those who have gave the ultimate sacrifice for our country so that we may enjoy & do what we want to do when you want to do it. To all those currently serving in the military Thank You!

Feeling Alone

So now that the fog has lifted & the crisis of my kidney stone is over & my Mom is back at home I woke up today feeling alone. I know that it's crazy as the kids & the dog are here but the reality that Robbie is gone & there isn't another adult in the house to talk to daily has come up to smack me in the face. I realize that this is all part of the grieving process but it totally stinks. I am so thankful for all of my friends & family that are part of my support system but it still isn't the same as having that person in your home that you talk to every day and tell everything too. I'm hoping that this part of the grieving process doesn't hang around too long. It's almost unbearable at times.

Kidney Stones

Bag
Originally uploaded by blkwido

Ah, so Thursday I had to have a lovely kidney stone blasted. Can I just say I hate, hate, hate being knocked out to have surgery. Thankfully this surgery there was no cutting but still. I am currently on the mend but I must say this is a procedure I never ever want to have done again.

Coming Out of The Fog

needle through the fog
Originally uploaded by Chris Blakeley

The other day I had this feeling of a fog lifting off my body. I was in this strange place for the past 2 months since Robbie died & I didn't know it. As I've been coming out of the fog I look back on myself and the person I see is someone I didn't know these past 2 months. It's strange to be able to look back on yourself & your actions & say "Who was that person?" I am at a place where it seems as though several things a day make me cry because I'm sad for what we lost. Every picture will be missing something, every memory will be forever changed by our loss. I am not the same person I was at 6:29 AM March 18th, 2010 before I found Robbie passed away. I am forever changed. I truly realize coming out of this fog that life is a precious gift & to not be afraid to live.

Mother's Day

So as many of you know my Mother's Day was a bust last weekend. I was on the couch on pain pills due to my kidney stones & kidney infection. Didn't get to celebrate didn't get to do much of anything. This was the first Mother's Day without Robbie & I was so out of it that I don't believe the reality of it has sunk in. While it was the most peaceful Mother's Day I ever had it totally stunk. I would have much rather been with my family. I had plans for how we were going to spend Saturday & then Sunday with my family. Totally didn't work out. My cousin David took these photos of my kiddos since the whole family was together. I really missed out.

Being A Single Mom

So last week I found out one of the sucky parts of being a single mom. The Mom gets very sick & there's no spouse to help out. Last Wednesday I became quite ill with kidney stones & a kidney infection. The weight of the reality of how I am supposed to do this on my own (I have my family helping so I'm not technically on my own) hit with full force. I have had several moments where I've been mad at Robbie for leaving us because let me tell you this is not an easy thing to do. I am beyond blessed to have such wonderful family & friends to help out & keep my spirits high. I don't know what I'd do with out them.

Easter 2010

So Easter was our first holiday without Robbie. It was difficult but we made it through it. The kids were so excited about their baskets from the Easter Bunny.

So Thursdays Stink!

Four weeks ago today our world feel out from underneath of us. Today has been just a bad day. I so don't like Thursdays anymore. Took the kids to the cemetery after school, came home to find the dog had ate some of the food in our pantry, fought with the kids, fought with my Mom & had a crying spell. I hate days like this.

A Family of 3

So my Grandma went home today. We are sad but it is time. We will now begin the adjustment of being a family of 3. That is something I never thought we would be. I know that God has a plan and we need to trust in it. This is certainly a roller coaster ride that we are on and Robbie and God both know I'm not fond of roller coasters but we're just going to hang on tight and go for the ride. Who knows where it's going to take us.

Two Weeks

So it's been two weeks since Robbie passed away. I can't believe that it's been two weeks. Where as the time gone? There are moments that it seems like it was just yesterday and there are moments where it seems like it's a lifetime ago and there are moments where the pain is almost unbearable. Lord keep carrying us so that when we look back at the footprints in the sand we only see yours and know that you're there helping us.

Physical Pain + Emotional Pain = Feeling a Bit Better

Today I got a new tattoo. This one is in memory of my husband and Daddy of my beautiful children who left us way too soon. So to explain, the last thing he bought for me was a diamond skull and crossbones necklace on our last day together as a family, yellow roses were his favorite so Felix put in three one for me and one for the kids and the Poison song Something To Believe In seeing as how life is showing me time and time again that there is a God to believe in. All I can say is that when you put the physical pain of a tattoo with the emotional pain of losing a loved one equals feeling a little bit better. Not much but a bit. To be able to look down and see the beautiful piece of artwork on my foot just some how helps.

Sometimes Life Sucks

So last night was pretty difficult here at our home. Reality has set in for not only both of my kids but the dog too. Both kids were totally in tears last night at bed time and very upset. As a mother it's very difficult to see because I cannot take their pain away. It breaks my heart even more. The dog decided to be naughty today while we were at church. Apparently he's had his fill of us being gone a lot. He decided that it would be a good idea to go into Cameron's room and tear the tail off the coon skin cap Robbie and I bought Cameron on our last day together as a family before Robbie died. Not good, not good at all. The tail is in one piece but missing a few spots of hair. Nothing I can't sew back on. Needless to say when we had to run out again the dog went for a ride. He was very happy.

Memorial Service

Today was the Memorial Service for my beloved husband and the best Daddy in the whole world. We will miss him more than words can say. It was overwhelming to see the amount of people who came to his service today. Thank you to everyone for all of your support. It's hard to believe that a week has gone by since he passed away already. It just isn't fair that he was taken from us so soon. I'm so glad we got one last fabulous day with him on March 17th. It was a beautiful day on the coast and we had a whole lot of fun as a family.

RIP Robbie, Our beloved husband and daddy

For those of you who don't know our beloved husband & daddy passed away very unexpectedly on Thursday. It's shocking and our hearts are breaking. We are so blessed and thankful to have had a wonderful day at the coast with him on Wednesday. We will cherish those memories forever. Please remember to tell those you love that you love them everyday and hug them alot because you never know what tomorrow will bring. My heart is completely broken right now as are Kayla and Camerons.

Time Flies

Wow, where as the time gone. It's already March and my "little" boy turned 9 last month. We took some pictures the other day. It seems like just yesterday he was a baby.

Thank You Grandpa!

So in the last month and a half both of my Grandpas have passed away. Yesterday we buried my Grandpa Horak. He was a World War II veteran. As I grew older I realized how special this was and how proud I was of him. He rarely talked about it which I understand. Yesterday they played Taps and it was very special. Without brave men and women like my Grandpa we wouldn't be able to enjoy the freedoms we have today. Don't take them for granted.

Sourdough Waffles with Great Grandma

My Grandma was here for a visit the other weekend and she made her fabulous sour dough waffles for us for breakfast on Sunday morning. Kayla and Cameron had a good time helping their Great Grandma make the waffles.